Some people think that I walked away from the religion of my family so I can party or my political views are different than the church's. I want to correct that misperception. I chose to walk away because I've walked a spiritual path that is not constrained to one religion. I believe truth lies almost everywhere, it's in the details that things get fuzzy. I believe that church can be a good thing for some people so I respect their choice to attend.
I just want to say that it is not easy. It is not easy to know that I disappoint and worry my family. My family has a strong conviction that I must complete certain religious practices to make sure my soul will be happy for eternity. I have not and I will not do those things. Every time we have a get together, I am urged to go back to church 3-4 times by different parties. They believe my salvation and their own depends on reminding me. My beliefs strongly differ. The hard part is to see the sadness in my grandfathers eyes. He is truly worried. That breaks my heart.
It would be easy to go to church. I know all the answers. I was a grade A student. I didn't drink. I knew how to pray and bear my testimony. It would be easy to go back so that in Utah, I would be more accepted. So my family didn't pray that I will return to church, because I know that they pray for me and I can only imagine that it always includes me returning to church. It would be easy to be certain in what life after death looks like. It would be easy to have a religious community to discuss the more vague parts of existence.
But that's not me and I would not be authentic to my experience if I did. It's hard to be here and I hope my family will find peace, that they know that I do my best with what I know. I may be weak for this, but I can't date a Mormon boy. He would date me either because he wants me to go back to church, his conviction of the temple and marriage sealing is lacking or he is walking away from his faith. If he is walking away from his faith, which I imagine at some point he then would, I am not strong enough to walk with him. It is very hard and very scary. I will be there for friends who do it, but I can't do it again. The only other thing that has been this hard for me was walking away from an unhealthy marriage when I was still in love with the man.
I am very spiritual. I don't have all of the answers, but I know we have no control over when we are born or when we die. I believe in the law of attraction. And I believe in love. I try my best to be a good person. And I hope that's good enough.
<3xo
Sarah Anderson
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