A letter to the girl who feels like she is fighting alone

I see you. I know that you are doing your best. I see the world gets you down
sometimes. I know the weight you carry feels heavy. I see that you want to
never give up against the troubles of the world. I see that you struggle
sometimes to keep your chin up. I see that you feel alone in your battle.
You feel like support is little and not often enough.

I want to tell you that I see you and I understand, even if it just a little. That
you are not alone, although it feels lonely sometimes. The universe is filled
with goodness, if only you will look for the little things, the small miracles
that surround you daily. The negative is always there. It will always be there.
This world will never be without it, unless humankind changes. I don’t know if
it is meant to or if that is the purpose of this world. Despite that, there is
beauty and love in the daily. There are people that come into this life to teach
us lessons about how to love deeper.True love means seeing the ugly and
loving it anyways.

The great teachers of the world have always spoken of kindness.
Be kind to yourself.
Spend time being kind to yourself. Cherish yourself.
Give to yourself what you feel has lacked. Love the ugly within yourself.
Accept that we are all ugly and beautiful simultaneously. Saints are rare,
and even then, their absolute virtue can sometimes be questioned.
Remember to be kind to others. We all have a child inside of us.
Stand up for yourself, but not by attacking others,
because then you are the inflictor of wounds.

Most of all, slow down. Breathe. You are here for today.
You don’t need to be perfect.
You really, really, really don’t. You are okay as you are. And so are others.
Peace within allows you to truly move forward
in whatever your decide your life mission is.

Much love <3xo

#NationalComingOutDay

I identidy as bisexual or pansxeual. Pansexual means that I love people whereever they identify on the spectrum of sexual identities. Basically, I don't have a type. What really is important to me that we have a mental, emotional and physical chemistry. I have dated feminine women, masculine men, masculine women, and feminine women.

However, the only people I have really brought home have been men. This is because I struggle with bringing someone home that will not be accepted by my family. I feel like a black sheep. I am not religious. I am liberal. I already conflict everything my family wants from me. I brought home a person who identified as two spirit that I started to date. Someone made a comment, not to me, but to another relative, "When did Sarah become a lesbian?" I also had another family member that told me that they would still love me but I may not be invited to some things... Another time, someone not related to me, someone who was gay, said to me, that bisexuals are perverts....  How could I bring someone into a place of so much conflict and heartache? I have not allowed myself to fully explore the potential of being with a woman because as much as my family drives me crazy, I deeply love them and respect them, and do not want to lose them.

Therefore, I continue to date those who I can bring home. Happy #NationalComingOutDay for those who have found peace and peace to those who have yet to find it.

Ramble on

I shouldn't have listened to that song… I picked up my stuff and left. You wouldn't let me stay. You told me to leave. I screamed at you to let me stay. I looked over my shoulder, hoping to see you looking back at me. But you aren't looking at me. You defiantly stare away. You wouldn't let me love you the best way that I could. You wouldn't love me the way I need; you wouldn't to allow me to just be me. So I packed up my shit and threw away the rest. Ramble on.

I am not Religious, I am not a Christian.

I grew up very religious, within a Mormon family. Most of my family still attends church to this day. Mormons belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, which is a Christian denomination. I am constantly reminded of my family's beliefs, as if I should agree or adhere to them.  I want to state that I love my family very much. They are very important to me. If their religion makes them happy, then that makes me happy for them. However, that does not mean that I support the LDS Church. This is my public statement. I am not religious. I am not Christian. I do not want to be preached about Christ being the savior that I need.

Believe it or not, I mostly hold my tongue. I do respond back harshly, but what they do not understand is that I am holding everything back that I want to say. But now I feel the need to express myself because I am tired of being preached to. I do not agree with what you are saying. If it makes you happy, I am happy for you. But it doesn't make me happy. In fact, it makes me angry. So please, stop expecting me to believe what you believe.

I am not a Christian and I do not believe in the need for a savior. If a god created me to be human, then condemns me for it, tells me I will never be good enough without him, this sounds like an abusive relationship to me. If your religion is true, I don't want part of it. I will find a different path, to a different place that doesn't shame people for being human.

I do not like the LDS church. Your opinion says women are treated equally. I call "BULLSHIT." Women are second class citizens, so are people of color, so is anyone who is not hetero-normative. If you are gay, you are not allowed to love your preference. You are allowed to pretend to love someone in the way that you are expected to. I don't believe in a god who creates someone a way and then shames them for it. This is not a kind god. Also, there is evidence that suggests Joseph Smith was a plagiarist for the Book of Mormon. I do not believe he wrote the book or was a man of god.

I am on a spiritual journey, but it doesn't include a religion. It is a personal journey to find the purpose of my life. I attend a "church," but I would describe it more as a society. It doesn't say what will happen when you die. It helps you to live a better life by searching for meaning through others experiences, including scriptures of different religions. It also calls for social action to make the world a better place.

I do not believe that saying a pray alone is going to save the world. I have to get my ass out there and do the work to make this world a kind, livable world. I believe religion gives people an excuse to only do a little. The religious leave it in the hands of god. No god is going to save you or anyone else. This world is physical and if you want to change it, you have to get out there and do it yourself. I do believe in the law of attraction. I believe that energy attracts like energy. I believe in meditation to focus individual energy. I also recognize that my understanding is limited. I only know what I know. I do not know what I do not know. So please, stop preaching to me about a Christ that I do not believe in.

Another Poem ~

6/4/17

There are pieces of me

Shattered all over this world

I have wandered and left bits of myself

Impressed on the places and people

Who have impressed back onto me

I feel a little split as if I am not whole

But when I look a little closer, I see that I have regenerated and duplicated myself.

I am not less. I am more.

6/10/17

There is no “there”

I hate to break it to you kid, but tomorrow doesn't exist

The only place is here.

That sounds so simple, and yet the concept is so foreign.

We all run around, seeking for some kind of fulfillment.

Nothing is fulfilling because fulfilment is temporary. The only thing fulfilling is the deafening silence that fills my ears as I breathe in

Peaceeeeee, ahhhhhhhhh

Dark & Deep the Act of Exist Writing.

I have so much energy to do things because I am running for my existential thoughts. What is happiness? Everything is temporary, even this mood of dark and deep. Pay the bills. Work. Play. Eat. Shit. Day, day, day. It looks a little different here and there. But the anxiety is maddening. I am happy. I AM HAPPY. Life is good. It is great. I manifest my dreams, blah blah blah. Who the fuck even cares? I just want some quiet for a minute in the outdoors. When I get it, I go crazy being chained to a computer within walls with air conditioning artificially drying my skin. I wish the world was simpler. Even if it was, would that be enough? Would my energy push me forward to explore? I am not the still type. Why can’t I be the still type? I meditate. I am learning to sit still. But it is never enough. Nothing is never enough to fill this hunger to learn and explore and love and to be. None of it really matters. It is all just an experience: the good, the bad. Even when things improve, it still doesn’t matter. My life is happy and my life is good. But what does that matter? What is life? Death is inevitable, but we do much more living than we do dying, so why do we fear it so much? If there is nothing, then finally it will be quiet. Maybe that is dark, a bit too dark for comfort. But it is fact and we will all be dead one day. So I sit here typing, listening to the clack of my own fingers on a keyboard that will wither away. The human experience is a hunger for more. Eat, sleep, work, play, eat, shit, procreate. Round and round a hamster wheel, destroying and poisoning a planet and other life forms until this planet is consumed by the sun.

The End.

6/14

I should sit back and breathe
That nothing will ever satisfy
The hunger of being human
The desire for more
The craving for the other
Sometimes I find my existence
In just forgetting about the future
Forgetting about the past
Forgetting about my thought, my name, my story
And remember my being
In my breath

It's a new day, it's a different Me

I decided to reopen this blog. I had closed it for some time, to lock away the skeletons in my closet. This blog first began in 2011, right before I turned 21. It describes my interactions with love, marriage, religion, politics, depression and anxiety.

As I read back through, I am wowed to how far I have come and how much I have changed. I was such a different person only 6 years ago. What are the next 6 going to be like?

The purpose of reopening my blog is to begin personal writing again. Should you decide to follow, you will get random poems, heartfelt and honest rambles, and a hopefully something interesting to chew on, metaphorically speaking. This is a place that I like to be vulnerable, perhaps too much. But I believe that the world is in need of a little more rawness. I believe that our experiences are not all that different. We probably all want similar things, just raised in vastly different ways with values on how to achieve success and happiness. I believe if we all could be a little more raw with each other, we would see that we are all human, and maybe treat each other a little better.

A quick update for my own sake. I am completing my first year in a double masters program: social work and public administration. I worked for a year as an experiential scholar with the Initiative for Transformative Social Work within the College of Social Work at the University of Utah with the purpose of increasing inclusion. I work part time as a tech support agent for HireVue while selling my life force (donating plasma) and occasionally working Lyft. I adore my CherryPit, whom I bought a home for with a backyard to she can roam while I am working long days. I have officially left the country and vacationed in Mexico. I am planning a trip to Europe in August.

That's enough writing for now. I will have lots to say, soon.

Much love, forever and always <3xo
Sarah Ruth

Be, with me

be, with me
be, just breathe and flow
don't feel like you need to prove yourself
not to me, not to anyone
just be, next to me
in the space of me
in the light of each other
flow, flowing in our energy
don't repress or suppress
how you feel is how you feel
don't fear
breathe and be
inside of me
just, just,
relax and slow down
close your eyes and feel me
my cheeks and my lips
don't worry
no need to worry
because everything is going to be alright
and as I hum to you,
ya everything is going to be alright
sleep with me, next to me,
and feel deeply
to the source inside your chest
breathing in and out
pumping the blood throughout your body
your imagined existence
conceptualized in your hands
and just be, with me