Be, with me

be, with me
be, just breathe and flow
don't feel like you need to prove yourself
not to me, not to anyone
just be, next to me
in the space of me
in the light of each other
flow, flowing in our energy
don't repress or suppress
how you feel is how you feel
don't fear
breathe and be
inside of me
just, just,
relax and slow down
close your eyes and feel me
my cheeks and my lips
don't worry
no need to worry
because everything is going to be alright
and as I hum to you,
ya everything is going to be alright
sleep with me, next to me,
and feel deeply
to the source inside your chest
breathing in and out
pumping the blood throughout your body
your imagined existence
conceptualized in your hands
and just be, with me

The Word God & Frantic with Craving ~ Ramblings of a Mad Woman

I like the word "God"
The word holds so much mystery
thousands of meanings
exponentially more stories
God is the focus of so many lives
Creating the lines that so many color within
I have rejected all of the lines
So a silver fluid of everything I am floating in
A mysterious plane of existence and non-existence
A duality I cannot reconcile
When I say the word God, I speak to so many
Each hearing in their individual languages
They believe that I believe the same
God - A term that connects and divides
Has brought peace to the individual and war to the masses
A theist's heaven, an atheist's joke, a pagan's earth
God or lack thereof creating the magnitude of discussion,
the center of it all

- - - - - -

My longing, my desire
I keep myself busy and distracted all day
But when I slow down, I remember you
The sad glimmer in your eyes,
accented by a spark of enjoyment when you look at me
I cannot have you and it drives me frantic with craving
The warrior in me marching to war to win
But you will never let me win you over
... you why even try...?

It is not. Therefore I will not be. And so I will do.
I am aloof. I am estranged.
I will forget you,
.... At least I hope, anyways

Dedicated to those who are not safe

Every day, there are children taken into sex slavery. Somewhere, there is a wife getting the shit beat out of her again. Right now, a man is strapping a bomb to his chest because he is told it is the only way to make social change. His victims that are either going to die or lose limbs are preparing to leave their homes. An animal is choking on a piece of plastic or gum someone threw out. A child is dying of painful hunger. Someone suffering from depression is quietly making it stop. If you are reading this and you are safe, be grateful. If you are not currently safe, I pray for safety for you. If you will never experience safety again in this lifetime, I pray for a better after life. Whether that is the quiet dirt or some floating, peaceful heaven. If you are in a safe position, please help others who are not as fortunate. 

Existential wonder ~

I am not my thoughts. 

I am not my mind. 

I am not my body, or my hands, or the shine within my eyes. 

I am the energy that combines into atoms which bunches into form. 

I am not my beliefs or my ideas. 

I am not my inadequacies or my strengths. 

I am the star's dust, a carbon form. 

I am eternal, not because of something spiritual, but because of something celestial.

I don't know if I am a soul 

Or just the recognition that I am form of

something that is here existing. 

I am not the cells multiplying, rejuvenating then dying. 

I am not the moods that fluctuate with my chemistry. 

I am not the perception of my interactions with others. 

I can't really tell you if I am. Or if I just think I am existing. 

I am happy no matter the fare

I'm bobbing with the flow 

I'm not quite sure where it'll go 

All of it seems a bit out of control 

And that I'll never truly know 

Where I'm headed, I don't really care 

I'm decided that I'll go there 

With a smile on and no burdens to bare

I am happy no matter the fare 

A Word on Privilege

At my community's sermon on Sunday, there was an exercise demonstrated. Now before you jump to conclusions, please listen with an open mind.

The children were called to the front of the service. They sat in a half circle and were given two pieces of paper. There was a box placed at one end. The leader instructed that the children crumple one pieces of paper, and shoot it into the box. The advantage was to the children who unknowingly sat closest to the box. The leader asked how the children could make this more just for everyone. If the box move to everyone, everyone would have a fair chance. The second round was much more successful. This beautifully demonstrates privilege. Privilege is sometimes as simple as this. However, it is many times much more complex and not easily recognizable to those on the receiving end.

Privilege comes in many forms, anything that makes you more desirable in a social setting. Have you ever traveled somewhere you don't speak the language or you have a thick accent of a foreign place? Did naturalists treat you differently? How about beauty or age or gender? Did you receive something because of a social status that is not available to everyone? A large one that many people will experience in their lives is agism. When you reach a certain age, you may lose respect, becoming just an old person, "losing your mind." Or how about a young person who is not taken seriously?

And yes, race is a privilege. If someone holds an unconscious bias that "black people are lazy," and if any part of you believes that true, you are going to unconsciously treat that person differently. If a cultural name promotes mocking, a person is going to be treated differently. Cognitive dissonance is a term that describes that when a person believes something and is presented with contrary evidence, the evidence will be ignored. This is a real term, that anybody and everybody (author included) is subject to, if not aware of held beliefs that are actively challenged.

So what is the solution? There is a thought that if you focus on the problem, the problem only grows. I believe that we definitely should be solution oriented. But we must also acknowledge the experience and the challenges unique to each person. When you deny a person's trials, you deny their truth and their experience. It is not your right to tell someone when to get over something. Respect, acknowledgement, love and understanding are the only ways to peace and unity. Telling someone that they are wrong for being upset and denying their feelings is only counter productive.

I believe in #WorldPeaceNow
<3xo
Sarah R Anderson

Depression

Almost every morning I wake up struggling to get out of bed. I know many feel this same way. I wake up, feeling a broken heart, saddened by the things that I have lost. Some days it is hard to move out of bed when I have no responsibilities. Some days I don't leave my house and sulk. I feel the pressure and anxiety to be something, to make something of myself, to make every day count. Sometimes my skin hurts with my anxiety. A lot of times I find myself focusing on my breath, reminding myself to take deep, full breaths. I think of the ways I could have hurt someone or if they may be possibly mad at me, where I wasn't a good enough person. 

I don't know if this is depression. I don't know if this is anxiety. I don't know if I have a mild case of bipolar with the anxiety and depression. But this is how my day usually begins. 

And every day I remind myself why I am grateful. I have been practicing gratitude for all of things that I am, have experienced, have currently, the amazing people that have come into my life, even if they are shorter periods than I would like. I am grateful for the jobs and experiences that I have loved, even if I have lost. I remember and appreciate all of the things of now. I appreciate my memories because they are my memories to cherish. I dream of the possibilities of my future. I hope. I pray. Not in a longing sense, but in a sense of peace that I will have the chance to experience anything that I put my mind too (and if not, it wasn't right for me.) 

I practice mirror work. I tell myself I love me, Sarah Ruth Anderson, every day. I remind myself that it is ok to make mistakes. That I am a lovable person even when I make mistakes. Even when I am depressed, I am worthy of my own love. Sometimes I hug myself and feel the warmth and softness of my own presence.  

Throughout the day, when I get frustrated, because I commonly do, I remind myself how things have always worked out for me. That I have made mistakes (sometimes big mistakes) and I have lived happily since then. I remind myself to be patient with me, the way I would want someone else to be patient with me. The way others have been patient and kind to me in the past. 

I have been working a lot on loving myself, the way I would want someone to love me. It's effort. It's taken time to not believe the negative thoughts in my head. They still come. I'm working on trying to prevent them through meditation and prayer. I'm practicing stopping them sooner, before they do any damage. I'm loving myself, despite the fact my ego still berates against me, trying to convince me that nothing is ever good enough. I am good enough. 

I share this in case anyone is struggling. I know a lot of people are. It's a case of humanity. I just want others to know there are ways to accept it and do your best. You don't have to believe the negative thoughts. If you ever want to talk to me, I'm here. I get it (limited to my experience of course.) There are a lot of amazing resources available that have helped me to feel empowered. I am grateful to be able to share my experiences because "we're all just walking each other home" - Ram Dass 

<3xo 

Sarah