I wake up feeling exhausted. I don't want to move.
I start to have anxiety, because I have so much to do.
I think of all of my goals, and my to do list.
It's overwhelming.
I try to get up. I do a few things. Then I lay back down. I have no motivation.
Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel not good enough.
I spend all weekend in the mountains, centering my thoughts, come back to real life, and I cannot begin to grasp my shit.
Why do I feel this way? I am kind, I am loving. Why is my anxiety and lack of motivation so overwhelming my skin is starting to hurt?
Breathe Sarah breathe. Stop thinking. And move. Start with someone little. Find some breakfast and some coffee. These are things you like. This you can do. Move and get out of your head.
I have no coffee in my house. What am I to do? I don't want to leave my house. No where is going to be open on a holiday. I need coffee. Start with breakfast. I don't want breakfast. I want coffee. I don't want to dress decent to leave my house to get it. I feel stuck. Breakfast, just fucking do it. Ok, ok I will.
I didn't make it. The anxiety is overwhelming. Glitching in and out of who I am. One moment I am the observer, trying to talk ration to the frantic me experiencing the overwhelmingness of it all. I don't want to ask for help. That means I can't save myself.
I made breakfast. I did it. And I controlled myself and didn't overeat, because I will do that when I am having an anxiety attack. I found coffee. I have had a packet of instant espresso sitting in my car for a year. My sister left it when she visited. I saved it for the perfect moment. A miracle to help me get through. I can do this. I can do this. Just keep moving. I want to get through this. I want to be stronger than the tantrum my ego is throwing, reminding me of all the things I am not. Because what I am is strong. And I will be happy. And I will have peace. The pressure is starting to lift off my head and my chest. Nothing matters but my happiness. I deserve it, and I am strong enough to build it, one small breakfast and cup of coffee at a time. With a relief of emotion, I practice gratitude to pull me the rest of the way through.
I escaped the anxiety, but they next day the anxiety came back stronger. I stayed home from work to relieve my stress. Emotion will be felt. I guess the purpose of my post is that sometimes we are stronger than our emotions and fear. And sometimes we are not. And it is ok! It is ok to feel and sometimes be overwhelmed. I am only human. I accept my humanity. I accept your humanity.
Always sending love and positivity your way
<3xo
Sarah
