God?

I've been thinking about God a lot, trying to write a logical argument to prove or disprove the existence of a spiritual creator and the purpose of the act of our creation. 

The first idea was progress - that we were created to progress. If you apply the physics law of space time, there is no time, so there is no progress, because space time is already laid out in infinite directions, both ways, and yet, here we are, experiencing it. 

The idea of creating us - nothing is newly created, only shaped. Matter has always existed, just changed form. From the Big Bang, to star matter, to the carbon in our bones. Apply this to spirit matter. Spirit has always been, possibly creating the individual spirit body. Our physical DNA contains history from the beginning of DNA. Wouldn't spirit matter do the same? If spirit matter contains all knowledge, when it is duplicated into an individual, would individual experiences be needed for progress? Wouldn't they already be contained, accessible to spirit? 

The idea of spirit is all knowing. When people have out of body experiences, they have thoughts and feelings of all seeing and all loving. If outside this physical body, we are everything, why would we need to experience? Just for the plain fact of existing and experiencing, leaving nirvana to experience ourselves, played out in the beautiful drama of love and pain? 

I've circled round and round with arguments of what and why. And the only thing that I can come up with is my experiences. I'm only trusting in how I feel and the small miracles that come into play. I have asked questions and blatantly had answers show up. I also think that if there is a spiritual all knowing outside of this body, this body limits the understanding of the spirit, so I wouldn't be able to comprehend the argument for why anyways with my limited, emotional, time bound, finite mind. Thoughts? 

This year I am grateful for...

Learning to love people exactly where they are.

Not where I want them to be. Not where I think they should be. Not what I think they should be.

Letting go in utter uncontrolled peace.

People are who they are, exactly where they, without interference me, despite my influence

And that's just they way it is.

And I chose to love them and accept them where they are.

I don't have to fix them, I don't have to convince them there is a better way. Life will do that.

When it's time. It's not my mission to save the world, or even one person.

My only mission is to save me, and for that I am grateful. I can only control me.

No one else.

So one else will be what they will be.

And for the people that love me too, I will never forget. Thank you. This is for you <3xo

Stall My Wander

And I am demanding with my life. 

I push the envelope and say what I think.

But with you, that's not who you are. 

You color inside the lines 

And stay within the box 

I want to demand that you come out of that box and come play with me 

But you don't 

You like your box and your security 

For me to love you 

I must climb into your box 

It's quite small, and a little damp 

And muggy and dark 

But I can hold you while I'm here 

I apologize but I can't stay long 

My muscles ache for movement 

And I love the fresh air of freedom 

I wish I could build you a bigger box 

Where we would both be cozy 

And I could stall my wander a little bit longer 

Beauty in the Every Day

The news has been a scary place lately. My anxiety has risen with current events. I have found myself sucked into the thousands of possibilities, all of which I have no control over. Our society and culture have molded us to focus on the glamorous, focusing on what should be perfect. It heightens my anxiety. 

Today, I have found peace in finding beauty in the average. Being present in my warm cup of coffee. Making plans with my friends for Friday night. My cat curling up against my feet, as I sit cuddled in my cold basement watching a kid movie. Most of life is average. It is beautiful. It is predictable and secure. Sure, the world may end tomorrow, but most likely not. The odds are in your favor. I have eaten today. I am out of the cold. I have friends and family who love me. When I focus on what is within my control, and not all of these things moving around me, I find peace. I find solace in my soul. Being present. Feeling gratitude for what I have. Whenever I forget to appreciate, my focus turns to what is wrong, what I don't have, what I am not. 

I am trying to change my mindset, to focus on the positive, to actively thank each positive thing in my life, to love more. I am human. I am not perfect. But when my mind frame is in the right place, my world is beautiful. I do believe in making an impact wherever I can. I am responsible for making a positive impact on the world, but I am not responsible for saving the world. 

<3xo 

Much Love 

Sarah Ruth Anderson 

Be.

I have challenged all my thoughts. I have ripped down my beliefs and created a blank canvas. I didn’t do what you told me to because I wanted to see for myself. I am stubborn. I am fierce. I pave waves over paths created, destroying lines and pushing boundaries. I am rebuilding my beliefs based on experience. And my experience has taught me that nothing is as it seems, nothing is what you expect. There are too many variables to predict, to know, to believe. I cannot trust myself and I cannot trust anything. The only thing I trust is the beating of my heart and the guiding of my gut. I will walk where I feel those lead me, and sometimes, it is through the darkness. I will say what is on my tongue. Life will go on without me, but peace will be mine. I am a rebel with a cause of experimentation. I want to see, I want to be, I want to learn, I want to understand, I want to grow. You will not stop me. I will listen as I chose. I will pay the price for my ignorance, the price of painful knowledge gained, and beautiful stories to tell.

So listen to me, as I tell you: Live. Challenge. Do as you please. If you take from others, you will learn that you pay for it, and that price is emptiness. You only steal from yourself. If you give to others and to yourself, you gain from so much. Choose. Make a choice. You will gain the benefits of what choice you make, the positive, the negative, the experience, the existence. Sometimes you need a little bit of both. And don’t regret a moment. Embrace and be what you are. Beautiful. Amazing. Unique. Actuality. A point in space and time that can feel and move and touch and influence. Be. Be. Be.

Where is God? Where is God not?

~ from my Instagram

Grattitude

Today I am grateful
for a heart that can feel
for a mouth that can speak
for hands that can touch
a soul that can love and forgive
a back that can carry what needs to be moved
the ability to drop what needs to be left
for feet that take me new places
and a curiosity that pushes me to go

I am grateful for forgiveness that I have for life
for the hardship
the heartbreaks
the love
the experience
forgiveness gives me the courage to begin again

I will take it all in
And love even more
Even when my heart feel like it is going to burst

I am not sorry for any of it
None at all
Each moment pushes me to feel, to learn, to grow

My soul is beautiful. My heart is whole. My love is real.

Quivering in my soul

I have grown accustomed to the anxiety. 

My heart beats swifter, although I am sitting. 

My chest is tight 

And my breathing barely above still 

My mind is here 

Although in a moment it will flee 

Classic music, maybe it'll calm 

It melts my anxiety 

But leaves behind my soul 

Quivering, from the cold 

Where is my warmth? 

Stop time

Stop time 

Stay right here 

Don't move 

Breathe 

But don't move 

Don't leave 

Clock stop ticking 

I never want to leave this moment 

I'll keep it in my head 

Maybe we weren't meant to meet until this moment

Maybe all the other moments have led up to this 

Who really knows anyways 

God, Fate, the Universe

Something to learn in this moment

Something needed to know 

And now I'm addicted to this moment 

Keepin it on replay all day 

Melt into my music

Melt into my music 

Vibe into my soul 

Float away 

as the beats consumes my thoughts

Elevating my mood 

Spinning my heart 

Raising my smile 

Groovin through my body 

Delightful music 

Ecstasy when music overwhelmes my ears 

Too loud for sanity's purposes 

Right where I like it 

Filling my head 

Pushing out reality 

My music and me  

Poetry scribbles

A ship destined to sink set sail from the harbor, in pursuit of treasure and the open sea. The wind in her sails, it didn't matter if she succeeded or failed. She was where she wanted to be. 

Your depths of emotion are beautiful 

In your eyes, I see the brightest love 

And the darkest pain 

Your despair is overwhelming

Your support is uplifting 

The reality I find in an emotional person is both beautiful and wild 

Anxiety Attack

I wake up feeling exhausted. I don't want to move. 

I start to have anxiety, because I have so much to do. 

I think of all of my goals, and my to do list. 

It's overwhelming. 

I try to get up. I do a few things. Then I lay back down. I have no motivation. 

Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel not good enough.  

I spend all weekend in the mountains, centering my thoughts, come back to real life, and I cannot begin to grasp my shit. 

Why do I feel this way? I am kind, I am loving. Why is my anxiety and lack of motivation so overwhelming my skin is starting to hurt? 

Breathe Sarah breathe. Stop thinking. And move. Start with someone little. Find some breakfast and some coffee. These are things you like. This you can do. Move and get out of your head. 

I have no coffee in my house. What am I to do? I don't want to leave my house. No where is going to be open on a holiday. I need coffee. Start with breakfast. I don't want breakfast. I want coffee. I don't want to dress decent to leave my house to get it. I feel stuck. Breakfast, just fucking do it. Ok, ok I will. 

I didn't make it. The anxiety is overwhelming. Glitching in and out of who I am. One moment I am the observer, trying to talk ration to the frantic me experiencing the overwhelmingness of it all. I don't want to ask for help. That means I can't save myself. 

I made breakfast. I did it. And I controlled myself and didn't overeat, because I will do that when I am having an anxiety attack. I found coffee. I have had a packet of instant espresso sitting in my car for a year. My sister left it when she visited. I saved it for the perfect moment. A miracle to help me get through. I can do this. I can do this. Just keep moving. I want to get through this. I want to be stronger than the tantrum my ego is throwing, reminding me of all the things I am not. Because what I am is strong. And I will be happy. And I will have peace. The pressure is starting to lift off my head and my chest. Nothing matters but my happiness. I deserve it, and I am strong enough to build it, one small breakfast and cup of coffee at a time. With a relief of emotion, I practice gratitude to pull me the rest of the way through.

I escaped the anxiety, but they next day the anxiety came back stronger. I stayed home from work to relieve my stress. Emotion will be felt. I guess the purpose of my post is that sometimes we are stronger than our emotions and fear. And sometimes we are not. And it is ok! It is ok to feel and sometimes be overwhelmed. I am only human. I accept my humanity. I accept your humanity.

Always sending love and positivity your way
<3xo
Sarah 

What I want

I think I've come to a time in my life where I have to admit to myself what I truly want, and how that may be different from what I have been told of what I should want. 

Maybe I don't want to get married again. Maybe I just want a really awesome, kick ass significant other. 

Maybe I don't want kids. Maybe I just want to be an awesome aunt and mother to all the children of the world. 

Maybe I don't want lavish things. Just homey spaces and places. 

Maybe I want a half time career and a half time hobby. 

Maybe I want to be a leader of happiness for our community. 

Maybe I want to be a best friend to many. 

Maybe I want to be openly sexy while maintaining my dignity. 

Maybe I want to speak my mind and my peace, even if it's not socially acceptable. 

Maybe I want to take risks and fuck the repercussions. 

Maybe I just want to break all the rules and create my own. 

The "Not-Relationship" that I want

I hate relationships. I hate people telling others what to do. I hate the responsibility of answering to another person. I don't like regulation. I don't like emotional manipulation where you want to make someone act or feel a certain way. I don't like expectations or the freedom to do what I want. I don't like being taken advantage of for what I give. I don't like feeling used. I don't like imbalance.

I like respect. I like freedom. I like my space. I like consulting with others and support. I like lots of friends, and more friends, and some more friends. I love best friends. I like adventuring. I like independence, and interdependence. And mostly I like respect. I like my own bedroom, and my own bed, that I will share as I please. I like my alone time, and my together time. I like shared friends. I like separate friends. I like low key. I like escaping. I appreciate respect. I like to kiss who I want. Kissing is a sign of love and an agreement to be open can be reached, if communication and appreciation is respected. Wherever you water your grass, it will grow.

I like traveling. I like camping. I like art and music. I like food. I like new experiences. I like when someone likes doing these things with me. I like doing things that others like. I like the ability to say "no" when I feel like I need to. I love laughing, and I love someone who will laugh with me.  I love sex. I love someone who loves sex too. I love someone who is vulnerable and willing to try new things in sex. I love other forms of physical touch, like hip touches and back rubs. I love boys and I love girls.

I love hearing your thoughts. Tell me about your world, express your thoughts through your words. Listen to mine. Be captivated by mine. I love passion and the people who create it.  I appreciate fun. I like personal responsibility for own's life and happiness. I love a positive outlook. It is okay to be mad as hell sometimes. Or sad as sad can be. But it is a warrior's spirit who picks himself up at the beginning of a new day. I love someone who will dance with me wherever, in the city, in the rain, in a park, or on a train. I love creativity and want you to show me yours, so I can gasp with excitement at the beauty of your soul.

I love love. I love loving you. I love loving others. I love life. I love happiness; it intoxicates me. Freedom is my soul and my wings love to fly. Anything less, I do not want. Because I can and will always provide for myself anyways.

Fear of Rejection / You are Amazing

I used to have this huge fear of rejection; that if I put myself out there, someone could devalue me. The truth is that we are continually rejected, by our friends, our family members, opportunities. It's nothing to do with us. Sometimes they need their own space. Sometimes they have something going on that doesn't allow them to be there. And sometimes someone's role in our life is complete. 

But the good news, rejection does not lessen your value. You are valuable no matter what. So, I have started telling people how much I like them and when I want to see them, instead of waiting for them to call me. I am honest about my feelings and intentions. 

And just in case you are wondering,  you are valuable. You play many different roles in many different lives that you are totally unaware of. You have strengths that create and weaknesses that humble and give a chance to lean on other. 

You are amazing. Never doubt that. 

I would lift your burden of I could

I want to give you peace 

A little shelter from the storm

Food when you are hungry 

I want to provide happiness 

A little laughter from your belly 

A smile when you are sad 

Your heartache makes my heart ache 

Your sadness makes me cry 

I would lift your burden if I could 

A Need, or Lack Thereof

It's hard to take care of a person. You have to feed them, clothe, water, walk, shelter, bathe and keep them safe. On top of that, this person usually wants fun, love and personal satisfaction. It is hard to take care of yourself. Are you giving yourself what you need? Do you know what you need? Are you showing symptoms of lacking? What are those symptoms saying? What do you need? And how are you going to give that to yourself?

Anything outside of yourself is temporary. It may be wonderful. It may be harsh. No matter what, don't get too comfortable, for it will change. There is a Buddhist principle called impermanence. One day, everything will change around you. Enjoy what you have while you have it. It is normal to fight it, but you can learn to embrace and breathe through it. Focus, what do I need? What can I give myself? Concentrate on you, the one person who you will forever be responsible for.

There is another Buddhist principle of suffering, that life is suffering. This is something that I disagree with. Suffering is self inflicted with our limited beliefs. Life does not have to be painful. There are great leaders of thought that help challenge belief systems. A belief is a thought that is repeated, and you can change your thought habits. There is one thought leader who has helped to shape my redesign of my flow. Her name is Byron Katie and her website is dedicated to helping others. "The Work of Byron Katie is a way of identifying and questioning the thoughts that cause all the anger, fear, depression, addiction, and violence in the world." Her method is a process of evaluating the day to day thoughts that cause heartache. To learn more, visit TheWork.com. Seek methods of improvement and sources of peace daily to rejuvenate your soul.

Some days will be tiring. However, the greater one aligns to truth, happiness and peace, the easier it is to take care of an adult, yourself. Self care is magical. Get to know what you are, who you are, what you need, and then do.

Peace Never Stuttering

I wish I could show you how much I love you 

I want you to succeed and feel successful 

When you are sad, I want you to feel comfort 

When you heart is breaking, I want you to know that mine is too 

When you stumble, my knees skin 

When you smile, I rejoice 

I want you to feel like the world is yours 

Hope to permeate your chest and expand throughout your body 

I love you so intensely 

That your pain is mine. 

And it makes me shutter and crumble 

And I can't fix it. That I crumble and collapse and can't make you happy. I run from the pain I've consumed. 

When all I wish is happiness for you 

So I pray to a god to hear my prayers 

And grant you mercy from your agony 

And peace never stuttering. 

The Darkness and The Light

I knew of a darkness 

So dark and so deep 

It consumed the whole world 

In one swallow 

I met a figure 

who's knuckles were bruised 

Who's world was swallowed 

By a darkness so deep 

I was that darkness 

I was the light that banished the darkness

That fed the plants 

And created life 

Who cleansed the water 

And smiled on the planet 

I am the light 

And the darkness 

The whole spectrum of entirety 

I am God and the Devil 

Good and Evil

Creative and Destructive 

All are me 

Rat Race

When I dream 

I dream of traveling the world

Of visiting places 

Filling spaces 

And meeting faces 

Yet here I am

Running in the rat race 

Always keeping pace 

And not releasing chase  

Human Connection

Human connection in my opinion, is the greatest joy available. Every day, you can witness or be part of this miracle.

Today, I was sitting in a training class with a man that is hearing impaired. A trainer came in to talk to him and his interpreters. She asked if the trainings met his needs. He said yes, thank you. She asked the interpreter how to sign, then signaled to the man, in his own understanding, "your welcome." Human connection. It is beautiful and it is happening every day around us.

The lack of human connection is a deep pain. Yesterday, sitting at a restaurant downtown with friends, a homeless man approached me for a meal. I hopped up ready to buy him something. The bartender rushed out to tell the man that he cannot be in restaurant. I responded, I was going to buy him some food. She said, please don't. I sat down feeling helpless. Having a homeless man around is bad for your business. It is heart breaking that feeding another human being is discouraged because it is a nuance. The bartender wouldn't look me in the eye after that. I believe, because somewhere inside of her, she hated that she had to enforce the business rules.

Human connection. Sometimes we shy away for whatever reason. However, pushing past the fear and pain can create beautiful webs of love and purpose.

The Avocado Tree: A Poem for My Nana

Hanging from the avocado tree
Just my cousins and me
We run around
Up the tree and off the ground

We are at my nana's house
EW! Ryan just killed a mouse
Inside her kitchen, a cookie jar
I begged Nana so hard

Just one more cookie please!
That jar is always such a tease
and Nana agrees and appeases me

We dance and sing along
to the fireworks song
Holidays and family are here
This is why I will always hold my nana so dear

Her crinkly face and white hair
Her bright mind that was always there
Her kind heart and sweet smile
My nana was strong for every trial

She is the mother of our line
A family so funny and fine
I wish one day to be
as wonderful and lovely as she

~ My Nana

Self Love means to me....

Self love means to me....

that I can look in a mirror and tell myself how wonderful I am
I am patient and kind to myself when I make mistakes, because mistakes are inevitable
I accept compliments and believe what others have to say about my positive characteristics
I seek out what makes me happy. I deserve happiness.
I love my body, no matter if it matches what the world around me describes as beauty. My body is strong. My body carries me every day to where I need to be. I take care and love my body through healthy choices, and I indulge when I choose.
I say no to relationships that are draining.
I say yes to events that I want in my life, despite the judgments of others
I believe that I am fine, even wonderful, the way I am
I am patient with my hard days, the days where I am not happy and I am frustrated.
Self love means I love myself despite my brat, moody moments.
Self love means I am strong and I always find my way to where I need to be.
I accept love from others without questioning whether I am worthy
Self love means I love others right where they are, despite their differences
I make weird faces and noises without shame

I love myself and my strengths and imperfections wholly (well more and more every day :))

Emotions

Sometimes sadness and emotions are to much.
Your own sadness and frustration can get depressing.
Being there for others can get overwhelming.
Pain is hard.

But pain shows us the path.

It opens our eyes to what is no longer serving a purpose.
An aspect of life that has expired in functionality and it is time to change.
The act of changing may be hard, but once complete,
Peace can come with the right frame of mind.

Pain is a motivator to fix what needs addressing.

Sometimes it is your mind frame.
Thoughts such as "I am not good enough" challenge you to love yourself.
The thought is incorrect, therefore it hurts.
If you feel alone, make time to connect with others, learning about them first.

Pain is the path to happiness.

Experience it. Be grateful to feel.
Sometimes experiences seem cruel.
But it is okay.
You will be okay, if you only choose to thrive.

Photo Cred: Me