2014 ReCap with an Intro into my Life

So either I am an artist with a word that needs to be heard at 1:30 a.m. on a Monday working night. Or I am totally bipolar experiencing a delusional manic episode of grandeur. I prefer artist.

2014 was the worst and the best year of my entire life. I have found love in ways I never knew before. A love for myself and a belief in myself that life is my canvas. I have made so incredible, loving friendships. I have been pushed to my limits... and I am alive.

I have found the purpose of life - It is to live and love and experience. And I want to create something special. I have spent the first 6 years of my adult life building my walls from the world. I went to school. I graduated. I have worked full time. I got married. I bought a condo. I created a career. I got 2 children - a dog and a cat. I built the perfect life so I would be in perfect control of what was happening. Then of course those walls came tumbling down and I discovered of how scared I truly was of the world. Vulnerable little me. I am still scared as hell, but here is what I am going to create.

I want to travel the world as a poor popper. I want to rent out my home, quit my job, sell my car and go. Life is to be experienced, and I haven't been anywhere! I almost dropped off the face of the earth during my divorce, but responsibility kept me tethered. I need to find a good temporary homes for my babies. I would fckng die if anything bad happened to them. I also have a few things that I want to finish before I leave my place of employment. I have to got to figure out how to travel. I am smart, but I barely learned how to read a map earlier this year! I am terrible with dates (I have booked my flight a month late. That was a $200 mistake.) I need a couple of skills and a little bit of cajones. But I need to do this. If I do not, I will be 60 stuck in Utah wondering WTF I never did....

So as friends, push me to go. Don't let me off the hook ;) I promise I will encourage you positively too.

Good night, I am actually going to try to sleep now
<3xo

Addiction

"Short Definition of Addiction:

Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors.

Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death."

http://www.asam.org/for-the-public/definition-of-addiction

Some people call an addiction disease. People have addictions of all kinds: drugs, alcohol, food, sex, video games. The addiction physically modifies a brain. 

I think it is so much more complex than that. I personally believe that addictions are coping with life. Yes, that sounds simple and duh. However, the simplicity is lost in treatment of addiction. People treat addiction with medication, therapy, maybe some coping and distraction skills. And of course, people are supposed to tough through it. 

I believe addictions stem from unhappiness. The human soul can only stand so much suffering. 

The addiction is a symptom, not the cause. If you treat the cause, the symptom will fade. 

I do not downplay the importance of western medicine. When an addiction has gone too far, medication can be very helpful in therapy, sometimes even necessary. However, the addiction will persist if a person feels a lack of love, purpose, peace. Help an addict to feel love. That is the easiest step as a bystander. Unconditional love. Not love that is based on progress. But a love that is based on knowing that a person is worth their thoughts, past, future, present a soul that struggles but has pain and love behind sad eyes. 

Help a person suffering with an addiction to dream. What would they be, where would you go, what would you do, what would you create, who would you love, what wouldn't stop you, what is the frosting to your cake. 

Find peace in quiet times. This is the hardest step of all. Be okay with who you are when you are alone, without distraction. 

Our modern ways of dealing with addiction tell people that they are weak, when really, people are so strong for holding on. Life is hard, but it is beautiful. Be patient with yourself when you find yourself overindulging to cope with some pain or emptiness. 

I suffer with indulging too much when the pain or loneliness is too much. And it is okay. I have come so far. I hope to gain a balance. But addictions never fully go away, because they are coping mechanisms. Yes, find better ways to deal, but we all know, that fit girl binges on a cup cake when she has had a really rough day. And it is okay. Love, love, love yourself. and love others. Be forgiving to the homeless drug addict beggar who is a being, with worth no different than you or I. 

And use your words to shape your reality. If you constantly remind yourself and everyone around you how sad you are, that is all you will ever be. You are happiness. You are love. You are peace. You are existence, experiencing the sensations of good and bad and enjoying every moment because every moment is a blessing. 

Much love 

<3xo

Sarah R. Anderson 

My understanding of existence -

My understanding is that we are spiritual and physical. There is a realm of energy that we access through meditation, prayers, dreams, or even visions perhaps. Some of the people that I have talked to believe that we are in a dream in where nothing really exists. I don't believe that to be true. Our experiences are real. There is matter and existence outside of our perception. Each consciousness is unique. I am me and you are you. But we are not that different or separated. 

Life begins in the energy of the spiritual plane. Our thoughts shape our perception and beliefs, which shape our feelings and actions. Our self talk is a ripple that begins in the mind, and ripples into the physical world. Our thoughts can create whatever we want them to. There is action that is required though. Just because you think you want to run a marathon, you dream of it and put that energy out there, you need to put your feet in motion in the physical plane. There are also thoughts that work against us; thoughts that lead to imbalance and addictions. For me, I enjoy alcohol. My brain is constantly solving the worlds problems (don't know if you noticed that's what I do lol). Alcohol slows those thoughts so I can relax. Ideally, I would meditate and calm my mind on my own. I haven't reached that level yet. I'm not an alcoholic. I drink on the weekends and socially. I will drink wine by myself occasionally but I don't need rehab, so no one call 911 haha I am sharing my experiences to make a point. There are thoughts that can be  less than helpful and create imbalances. You have to stare those fears in the face and move through them. You will do that when you are ready. I do have my own vices that I confront when I am ready to accept the fear and then change my thoughts surrounding it. 

One other thing I have noticed with our individual consciousness is that we are interacting and bumping into each other. We plays distinct roles in each other's lives. I am grateful to have you on my journey. Yes you, reading and interacting with me. I bet you have taught me something and shown me love. Thank you for being on my journey and allowing me to be on yours. We existed before this life. And we will exist after. We come to this physical plane to create. We our creators of the physical plane, of our lives and of others lives. 

My advice is to observe your thoughts. Are you speaking in your mind the things you want to ripple into reality? Every time you remind yourself that you are not happy, that will come about. But if you tell yourself you are what you want to be every day, you will see those signs and symptoms manifest into your life. Be careful with your thoughts and your words. 

Forever love, 

Sarah Anderson 

<3xo 

My Goals

So I preach about how you can make your life your own. What do you want to make it? I've created a list of habits that I want to see in my life. I know that the recommendation is to create SMART goals - I'm not really a fan of those, even though my work team will tell you I am always asking them to specifically define what they want to accomplish haha 

Here are mine: 

Be physically active - the purpose of this is to be able to do the outdoor activities that I enjoy and improve my quality of life - demonstrate by being active as much as possible on a weekly basis. Run a marathon once. 

Continually learn - read books and articles in my spare time. Get the hell off Facebook and pick up a book - the purpose is that I find joy in enrichment. It also makes conversations more interesting. This is what I can do for me. 

Be relationship focused - this is pertinent to all of my relationships - explain my intent so I do not come across as rude - be forgiving - create boundaries - take time for myself - do not create expectations of other people - relationships will flourish as appropriate. Purpose - expectations create disappointment and never bring satisfaction. By being true to myself and not expecting from others, it allows others to flourish in their true selves. Respect others and their hearts. 

Write books - purpose - share what I've learned and collected. Help others to find the peace and happiness I have found. Make time for writing weekly. If a book is too intimidating, start with a blog. Do you see what I did there? ;) 

Eat well - eat whole unprocessed, vegan food. But if you are going to eat a hamburger, enjoy it dammit. Stop eating when you are satiated. Veggies veggies veggies!! Every day. 

Here are my goals. Do you have goals? What are your goals? Do you prefer SMART or zen goals? Are you continually re-evaluating your goals. If you'd ever like help in establishing goals or talking through the steps to achieve them, please let me know. My life purpose is to love and help others love so whatever I can do to be of service :) seriously, use and abuse me. 

<3xo

Sarah Anderson 

Walking away from my family's religion

Some people think that I walked away from the religion of my family so I can party or my political views are different than the church's. I want to correct that misperception. I chose to walk away because I've walked a spiritual path that is not constrained to one religion. I believe truth lies almost everywhere, it's in the details that things get fuzzy. I believe that church can be a good thing for some people so I respect their choice to attend. 

I just want to say that it is not easy. It is not easy to know that I disappoint and worry my family. My family has a strong conviction that I must complete certain religious practices to make sure my soul will be happy for eternity. I have not and I will not do those things. Every time we have a get together, I am urged to go back to church 3-4 times by different parties.  They believe my salvation and their own depends on reminding me. My beliefs strongly differ. The hard part is to see the sadness in my grandfathers eyes. He is truly worried. That breaks my heart. 

It would be easy to go to church. I know all the answers. I was a grade A student. I didn't drink. I knew how to pray and bear my testimony. It would be easy to go back so that in Utah, I would be more accepted. So my family didn't pray that I will return to church, because I know that they pray for me and I can only imagine that it always includes me returning to church. It would be easy to be certain in what life after death looks like. It would be easy to have a religious community to discuss the more vague parts of existence. 

But that's not me and I would not be authentic to my experience if I did. It's hard to be here and I hope my family will find peace, that they know that I do my best with what I know. I may be weak for this, but I can't date a Mormon boy. He would date me either because he wants me to go back to church, his conviction of the temple and marriage sealing is lacking or he is walking away from his faith. If he is walking away from his faith, which I imagine at some point he then would, I am not strong enough to walk with him. It is very hard and very scary. I will be there for friends who do it, but I can't do it again. The only other thing that has been this hard for me was walking away from an unhealthy marriage when I was still in love with the man. 

I am very spiritual. I don't have all of the answers, but I know we have no control over when we are born or when we die. I believe in the law of attraction. And I believe in love. I try my best to be a good person. And I hope that's good enough. 

<3xo 

Sarah Anderson 

My Religion

I've been exploring different religions and different philosophies of life. I grew up Mormon. I've learned about Catholicism and other Christianity churches. I've learned a little about Hindu and researched some of the new age energy thought. I'm also familiar with existentialism. The closest concept that appeals to me is Buddhism. I know that life can have whatever meaning you place to it, meaningful or meaningless. I know we are energy that is influenced by thoughts and prayers and meditation. I know there is energy continuance after death because I can sense it. But the details don't matter to me. Whether you call him Jehovah or Jesus, Allah or even the universe, I am going to live my life the way I know I should live it. I feel a sense of purpose, and that's all that matters. I also know what works today, may not work tomorrow. The lotus flower that blossoms today, wilts tomorrow. Attachment to a current situation brings pain and disappointment when it changes. But change is inevitable. They classify a Buddhist as someone who joins the Buddhist community. I don't really need a community. Humankind is my community and I am a self study. 

So my moral of the story, I don't want or need a religion. I will follow what is true to my heart and my mind, which is pure as I can try. I do not associate myself with the Mormon religion. Please discontinue treating me as a sheep that has fallen from the fold that you are waiting to come back,  or talking to me like you would a jack Mormon. I'm not Mormon and I do not consider myself as such. 

I know this will break my family's heart, but I hope they will have faith that I'm a good person and I will live a full and satisfying life. 

Namaste 

<3xo

Rant of a divorced woman-

Want to hear some awesome things I love hearing? 

1. You're too awesome for him. Well that's shitty. I don't want to be awesome. I want to be appreciated and be able to appreciate. Not a trophy that no one ever wants to hold or play with or keep or take home to mommy. 

2. Are you okay with being alone? Do you like yourself? Yeah well duh I like myself. I'm awesome, remember from step 1? What does this even mean? Give up all my friends and family, trek into the wilderness, build a treehouse and see if I don't go crazy talking to myself? Did I pass? Lol 

3. You guys make better friends anyways. Aren't relationships supposed to be built on the best of friendships?? My bad, did I miss something. 

4. Be lucky you didn't have kids. Actually, no. They wouldva been adorable. Thanks for asking. 

5. And my favorite - you just didn't fit that well. Well, hello, welcome to life. Everyone is different. Everyone you meet is going to break your heart just a little. It's about learning to forgive and love deeper. Not about letting the differences drive you apart. We are all made up of the same stuff and focusing on the differences is the problem... 

The shit people say sometimes. I know people have their hearts in the right spot, but maybe stop talking for a minute and listen? I will be just fine. My life is fabulous ~ there is absolutely no sarcasm there. But really, I don't care about your short sighted opinion that you didn't Really think thru anyways. This is me, in pain because people don't think about their words. 

I really am good though. I am very blessed. I have supportive friends and family. I have a job that I am passionate about that I am grateful I get to go to every day. I have co workers I can laugh with. I have a home. I have a hungry kitty :) I am grateful. There is no doubt about that. Just frustrated that people really don't think through the things they say that do bite at my heart. I know that I will be fine. I am always better than fine. 

I wish love and grace upon you for listening to my rant. 

<3 xo 

Sarah Anderson 

What would you do?

For the sake of argument, let's agree that 25% of humans are destined to fail at life. With this percent, there would be one in every 4 member family. Let's say it's your mother. Or your brother. They are those bums that we hear everyone complain about sucking the life out of the system. Everyone disapproves of their lazy, drug doing ways. They leech welfare. Everyone knows those people who I am talking about yes? We have established that they are there and now to admit, they are not going to change. What are you going to do? We can hypothesize that they are going to change, but every effort we have made to change them has tragically failed. They constantly disappoint and frustrate us. What are you going to do? Are you forever going to wait for them to change? Are you going to withhold love and a relationship because they do not meet your standard of a human? Are you going to stop yourself from loving them because you know it's going to be a painful road? Are you going to allow them to starve because they do drugs? Do you want them to either away because you think the world would be a better place, that somehow evolution will weed the gene out? If evolution was impactful, we should have a much stronger species. Let's face it. We all know someone who is performing under our standards. What are you going to do when you know you can't change them? Hopefully love them anyways? 

<3xo

Sarah Anderson 

Living an Intentional Life

So the last year has been a little reckless for me. I've been a wee bit crazy. It's time for me to start living an intentional life again. What does that mean? That means making every day count. Learning what I love and doing it. If I could build my ideal life, what would that look like? If every move I made was building towards a goal, all of my energy placed to make my dreams a reality, what would my dreams look like?

I would have a job that I love, where I can give my time serving others and expanding my strengths. I would volunteer weekly, giving my time to causes I care about. I would travel three weeks a year, experiencing new places, meeting new people, learn history and culture. I would study more about the meaning of life through different religions, spiritual pursuits and artist expressions. I would actively explore nature, finding myself in my surroundings. I would be a competitive pole dancer in my spare time: a very fit and healthy, vegan pole dancer. I would invest myself in positive relationships, family, friends, love. 

This is a lot of things that I want my life to look like. This means that I cannot waste my energy on things that are not good for me. This phase has been essential in my development and life coping skills building. However, after my birthday party, I'm going to slow down a little and create the life that I want to pursue, since this may be the only life I live. Maybe, maybe not. But it's the one I'm living now. 

Song of the day: Dreams by Lady Gaga 

Much Love 

<3 XO

Sarah R Anderson

A god that I can believe in:

I have been in a two to three year discovery of what religion and spirituality and God mean to me. I went through a period where I felt that maybe this life was it. That when we died, we died. That there was no soul. This was a little disheartening to me, but I entertained the idea. If today really could be your last day of existence, what do you want it to look like? I was an atheist for a minute and genuinely entertained the idea.  

Through more study and introspection, I've decided that I do believe in spirit. I've felt positive and negative spirit influences in my life and seen them in others. I have heard the stories of people close to me that have had experiences that show a spirit world exists. I have felt the loving direction of something more than just my mind. 

I believe in the energy of the universe. I believe that the universe has energy that pulls and pushes you in directions you need to experience. I believe that the universe is always working in your favor, except for the occasionally cruel joke of a reality check (the boy I date for 4 months won't make me his girlfriend but some random offers. This is the universe's way of saying, no you don't just want any guy to be your boyfriend. You want to date someone with class) which is still working in your favor. The law of attraction creates a reality that you think about. I believe that people are in charge of creating their lives or the lack thereof. The mind and emotions are powerful. 

Now the question of whether there is a god somewhere out there watching the slow destruction of the earth has haunted me. I cannot believe in a Christan version of a condemning, judging god who predetermines a life that you have no say in. Who turns his back on you when you were sent to this earth, doing what you are supposed to be doing: learning. A god that I was taught cannot love and accept you the way you are because you are sinful and cannot stand in his presence. Sounds like a stuck up god that I wouldn't want to hang out with. 

Something special happened to me though. My sister offered a prayer for me, and I felt a love: from her, from the universe and from something you could call a god. If this god was someone so full of love, that's something I could believe in. An enlightened being, mentoring and guiding. An angel. Not a judging being sitting on a cloud, unloving. "What if god was one of us." A truly loving, guiding soul who is there for you as a best friend. A being who follows the laws of the universe, who has attained a higher level of consciousness. This is a god that I could pray to, for support, for love perspective. An ancestor who has attained Buddha. Maybe a group of ancestors who have attained Buddha? 

I also believe that god is all of us, since we have the creative power to construct our realities. The more that I study about human potential, the more I see it in my own life. Learning the methods to creating your reality is essential to being happiness. 

I struggle with religion. Really, I struggle with large masses of sheep and groupthink- where individuality is lost and the herd stampedes and tramples whatever is in the way. I believe religion has created a fearful god as a method of teaching the masses to behave and control church attendance. I do however believe that people gathering together to learn, discuss and provide general community is very important. Religion has it's place. And when you study several religions, the core foundation is to love and treat others kindly. This is not a bad thing. It is when greed and manipulation of man that gives me a bad taste in my mouth. 

I am grateful for the spiritual movement that I am watching, where people are seeking to learn for themselves. Where people pray and meditate on life and it's meaning and their meaning of existence to life. I am excited for this movement and people really getting to the root of what spirituality should be. 

Here are my thoughts. Feel free to share yours, as long as you maintain respect to others, I believe it is essential to everyone's progress to continually share ideas and question your own. 

Much love 

<3 xo 

Sarah Anderson

Insecurities

This is going to be a bit of intense post so please stop reading now if you cannot handle it.

Insecurities. The things that make people act crazy, jealous, manipulative, needy, angry, and a whole longer list of crappy feelings. I see so many negative emotions stem from the insecurity that one does not feel good enough for a certain job, or a certain task, and mostly, a certain relationship. When in fact, the insecurity is the problem. Sure, a person may need some additional learnable skills. But the fact that these skills are learnable then means that the person can improve. An insecurity tells you that you are not good enough and that you will never be good enough. The insecurity then is the root of the problem, the jinx that trips your step and stops you from improving. The insecurity is the craziness.

A lot of people suffer from these insecurities in relationships. I know that is where I struggle. I know that I am a very competent person at work. I learn quickly. I adapt as necessary.  I take feedback. I am positive. I am a competent friend. I listen. I do not judge. I am consistent for my friends. When it comes to dating is when I have spasm attacks. This may stem from early childhood lack of love symptoms. This may stem from a recently failed marriage. Understanding the cause doesn’t help to be quite frank. Understanding does not change the anxiety that I feel when I experience insecurity that I am not good enough. These insecurities manifest at any experience that feels like some sort of rejection, real or imagined.

My purpose of this post is to change. The first step is identification and acceptance. That’s what they say anyways LOL. When I begin to feel these feeling, I want to identify, ah Sarah, that is an insecurity you are feeling. Next step, declare this insecurity insane! I do not need to fight with it. I can accept that it is there. Love myself and love the piece of me that is hurting. Remember to NOT act on this insecurity. I cannot feed this ugly beast. Breathe. Love. And repeat.

I share this with you all because I hope that I can encourage someone to love themselves more, and know that feeling those insecurities are perfectly normal! It makes me feel better to think that they are normal anyways J

Peace, Love & Lots of Hugs

<3XO

Sarah Ruth Anderson 

You can heal your heart

I spent all day in bed reading and meditating. I am reading this book called "You Can Heal Your Heart" by Louise L. Hay and David Hessler. It is an amazing book that talks about how to heal from break ups, divorce and death. This book really speaks to my heart and the purpose of life and love. Life is about learning and loving. People come in and out of our lives. The authors talk about how a relationship can become "complete" and therefore it ends. The purpose of the relationship was reached. You learned what you needed to learn. 

I applied this to my own relationship. The majority of my relationship was good. I learned a lot from him. And today, I feel like I am exactly where I need to be. I am stronger. I love myself more. The world is a beautiful place. The universe loves you and is always striving to bring you what you need to grow. The break up period has also been a time that had taught me a lot about myself as well. 

This world is a beautiful place. It is filled with people that are filled with love and willing to love. Don't let the occasional asshole, that is on her own journey make you lose your faith in humanity. I see all these cute little sayings "live, laugh, love" but what I would really like to see is more people living like this. Less fear. More love. 

Only the song of the frogs outside my window today. 

<3XO 

Sarah Anderson 

Sex~~~

I hate the view our society has on sex. I've always thought it was slightly backwards that it is normal for people to have sex, then get into relationships, then fall in love. Shouldn't love come before sex? 

Relationships and love should come before sex. The crazy chick in vanilla sky said that when you make love, your body makes a promise. I know for women, this is very true. Sex complicates things. It creates emotions and clouds your judgement. You've created a bond that you will then be loyal to, even if it is not the best thing for you. You are then in love, and it is based on sex. Sex is a component of a relationship, but your relationship with someone shouldn't be based on sex. 

I have also watched as people get serious with others continue to sleep with other people, because there wasn't an established exclusivity. And then of course lie about it. This is one of the most heart breaking things for me. And a reason that I am waiting until I am in a relationship before I have sex with someone. I am a relationship person. If I allow myself to trust and invest in someone, I plan on keeping them around. I don't want to be played. 

It's crazy that when I was growing up, I was always told to wait until I was married to have sex. I'm not planning on getting married ever again. But now I can say that I agree with this teaching. Sex is a serious subject and deserves respect. 

Song of the day ~ dark horse by Katy perry 

New Year New Beginnings

Friends,

I was looking back through these posts. Boy, has life changed. Every year is so different than the last. I want to maintain this blog this year, to share my thoughts and open discussions. I want to become apart of the blogging community! I love writing. I have two books that I want to write. I love discussion (as long as it is concise and respectful).

This last year was a growing year. I met a lot of new people that I am growing to love more every day <3. I have a job that is refining my skills on a regular basis. I have new challenges and I am learning so much about myself.

This has also been one of the hardest years for me. I lost a very important relationship to me. I divorced my husband. There were some key components in our relationship that were no longer working. This is one of three of the hardest things of my life: my parents divorce, my move to Utah, and losing a best friend. So needless to say, it was a hard year and I am still recovering.

Our trust was diminished. He had lied to me about something. And we worked through it. But he continued to lie about it. So then I acted out. And we didn't find a way to repair us from that. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. I felt like we had a very good relationship despite this aspect. I was very supportive of his dreams. He did things with me that I liked to do. We had fun together. And I am very sad to lose this relationship.

On the upside, I am able to focus on myself now. This is an opportunity to focus and develop myself. I am re-discovering the person who I have always been, but never had time to develop, since I was always working on our relationship - a clue that the relationship wasn't helping me to build myself, since I was using my energy to make our relationship work. This has also helped me to define my expectation of what I want from a relationship. I want someone that is continually working on themselves, so I can continually work on myself. This shows me the importance of boundary creating. I must value my own development, over coaching someone else's development. I can be support of someone else's development, but I cannot develop another person.

Now here comes the fun part of blogging - learning more about others. Tell me what your most important piece of relationship advice is for someone coming out of a divorce! No repeats :)

Here is my unique share of my blog: Songs of my day: "I ain't mad at cha" by Tupac and "Under Control" by Ellie Goulding. What is your song of the day?