Depression

Almost every morning I wake up struggling to get out of bed. I know many feel this same way. I wake up, feeling a broken heart, saddened by the things that I have lost. Some days it is hard to move out of bed when I have no responsibilities. Some days I don't leave my house and sulk. I feel the pressure and anxiety to be something, to make something of myself, to make every day count. Sometimes my skin hurts with my anxiety. A lot of times I find myself focusing on my breath, reminding myself to take deep, full breaths. I think of the ways I could have hurt someone or if they may be possibly mad at me, where I wasn't a good enough person. 

I don't know if this is depression. I don't know if this is anxiety. I don't know if I have a mild case of bipolar with the anxiety and depression. But this is how my day usually begins. 

And every day I remind myself why I am grateful. I have been practicing gratitude for all of things that I am, have experienced, have currently, the amazing people that have come into my life, even if they are shorter periods than I would like. I am grateful for the jobs and experiences that I have loved, even if I have lost. I remember and appreciate all of the things of now. I appreciate my memories because they are my memories to cherish. I dream of the possibilities of my future. I hope. I pray. Not in a longing sense, but in a sense of peace that I will have the chance to experience anything that I put my mind too (and if not, it wasn't right for me.) 

I practice mirror work. I tell myself I love me, Sarah Ruth Anderson, every day. I remind myself that it is ok to make mistakes. That I am a lovable person even when I make mistakes. Even when I am depressed, I am worthy of my own love. Sometimes I hug myself and feel the warmth and softness of my own presence.  

Throughout the day, when I get frustrated, because I commonly do, I remind myself how things have always worked out for me. That I have made mistakes (sometimes big mistakes) and I have lived happily since then. I remind myself to be patient with me, the way I would want someone else to be patient with me. The way others have been patient and kind to me in the past. 

I have been working a lot on loving myself, the way I would want someone to love me. It's effort. It's taken time to not believe the negative thoughts in my head. They still come. I'm working on trying to prevent them through meditation and prayer. I'm practicing stopping them sooner, before they do any damage. I'm loving myself, despite the fact my ego still berates against me, trying to convince me that nothing is ever good enough. I am good enough. 

I share this in case anyone is struggling. I know a lot of people are. It's a case of humanity. I just want others to know there are ways to accept it and do your best. You don't have to believe the negative thoughts. If you ever want to talk to me, I'm here. I get it (limited to my experience of course.) There are a lot of amazing resources available that have helped me to feel empowered. I am grateful to be able to share my experiences because "we're all just walking each other home" - Ram Dass 

<3xo 

Sarah